SIX - A Wife's Influence (Back to Table of Contents)
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. --Ephesians 5:22
The secular world attacks the concept of marriage and family on a consistent basis. I believe that the biggest attacks on the family unit are aimed at women. Our society
bombards women with the idea that if they are wives or stay-at-home moms, they are inferior, and, insults to the female gender.
Whether it is magazines, fashion, television or the movies --women are pressured regarding their appearance, their careers, their motherhood, and their marital status.
There is a great need for women to understand what the Word of God says about their role as a wife. The Bible liberates women from the demands and pressures that the world
places on them, and God makes it clear how immensely valuable a godly wife is to her husband, children and the Lord Himself.
You Are In Good Company!
You would think the word "submission" is a bad word when you look at the reactions it stirs up in people. The secular world thinks that the whole idea of submission is barbaric
and uncivilized. Even some in the church bristle at the mention of the word. However, submission has gotten a bad rap, so to speak, and it is time to clarify what the Lord meant
when He spoke of submission in the role of a wife.
The whole idea of submitting to anyone makes the world shriek. In the 1960's the counter-culture rebelled against anything that remotely resembled authority. It was
considered an infringement on individual rights to have to submit to anyone in authority. We are witnessing the by-product of this attitude in society today. Invoking individual
rights, people today are trampling on the rights of others in order to live the lives they desire. There is a general lack of respect for authority, whether it be for a policeman, a
parent, or the President of the United States. Everyone wants the freedom
to "do their own thing," even at the expense of others and society at large. But not everyone can be in charge --otherwise there will be disorder and disaster.
The framework of a civilized society hinges on laws and authority. There must be teachers and students; parents and children; police officers and citizens; government and
constituents; management and work crews; and the list goes on. When there is an absence of authority, or when there are too many who are in charge, organizations, governments,
systems and society stop functioning properly.
It is no different in the home. There has to be order, and because of that there needs to be one person who ultimately has authority in the home and one who is submissive. We
need to remember that these are roles and have nothing to do with superiority, value and ability. Just as with other aspects of society, the roles of the husband and wife help set up
an organizational structure that enables the family unit to function in an orderly, efficient way.
I have already covered the role of the husband as the leader and the head of the home. If you read that chapter you know that all leadership positions need to be tempered with
love. In other words, the husband is to lead in such a way that loves, honors and respects his wife. Remember, the scriptures are clear, that husbands and wives are to submit one
to another (Ephesians 5:21). So, that should get rid of any fears of a tyrannical ruler in the home, because that is not what is taught in God's Word.
One of the best ways to describe the role of the wife in submission is to look at a few verses in 1 Peter in the context in which Peter was writing:
For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps:
'Who committed no sin, nor was deceit found in His mouth'; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered,
He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree,
that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness --by whose stripes you were healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but
have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. Wives,
likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won
by the conduct of their wives . . . --1 Peter 2:21-3:1
It was not a coincidence that Peter described the example of Christ's submission to the Father prior to discussing the wife's responsibility to be submissive to her husband. Just
as the Lord serves as the example for the husband on how to love his wife, He also serves as an example to the wife on how to submit to her husband.
Submission is willingness. It is not forced. Jesus willingly gave up his rights as God and became a man. He willingly submitted His will to that of the Father. In the Garden
of Gethsemane, even though we see the Lord asking for another way other than the cross, He submitted to the will of the Father! Jesus willingly submitted.
Wives, the Lord is saying you are to be willingly subjected to your husbands, giving them the pre-eminence and the opportunity to lead. Now in conjunction with this, there
are a couple of extremes that need to be discussed.
First of all, submission does not mean that you are to do whatever your husband says, even if it means doing something wrong. No, you are to always obey God first. If your
husband is telling you to do something that flies in the face of God's Word then you are not to submit to him but rather to God. Never disobey God in order to obey your
husband!
Secondly, there is the flip side to the above extreme. This view says, "I'll submit to my husband as long as he follows the Lord." This view is wrong as well. Your husband may
not be following the Lord, but that is not a reason for you to abdicate your role and go off and do your own thing. In fact, Peter says just the opposite. "Wives, be submissive to
your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives" (1 Peter 3:1).
You are a witness to that unbelieving or backslidden husband when you show respect to him and submit to his authority despite his failing spiritual state. This can be a very
difficult road. It is hard to submit to someone who does not follow the Lord, but it is God's will and shows the love of Christ in a practical way. It is in these situations that
you can follow the Lord's example, as He was submissive to those very people who reviled Him, rejected Him and ultimately crucified Him. Let me stress here that it is not
God's will for a woman to suffer physical or consistent verbal abuse. In these situations it is usually best to separate with the purpose of seeking help for the husband and
ultimately reconciling the marriage. In normal circumstances though, where a wife is married to an unbeliever or a Christian who is not walking with the Lord, the very act of
submission serves as a witness to the husband.
As you willfully submit to your husband, paying him respect in this matter, it can do wonders in bringing him closer to the Lord. Peter emphasizes that words are not
necessary, but simply showing obedience to your role as a wife. In other words, do not preach, nag and argue with your husband to try to make him a godly man. It does not
work and defeats the witness that Jesus would have you to be. If your husband is not obeying the Word and is going in his own direction, even causing harm and hurt to the
marriage and the family, the most powerful thing you can do is to give your husband to the Lord, trust Him with the matter, and submit to your husband in love.
Is this an easy
role? No, it is not. Does it seem fair? No, not in human terms. But the Lord has to serve as your example. Do not look to yourself, do not look to the situation, and
especially do not look to the world --keep your eyes on Jesus and follow the Lord's example. Throw your life into the Lord's hands and trust Him to work out the situation
in His time.
We are all called to die to self --men and women. And, in the area of submission, it is a very real dying to self. You will find, however, that as you submit to your husband out of
obedience to God, you will be blessed and the Lord will give you the strength to love your husband with God's love. Do not underestimate the influence you have over your
husband. Willfully submitting to your husband will bring about a plentiful harvest in due time!
One silly argument my wife and I had for the first few years of our marriage was over chocolate brownies. I love to have lots of frosting on them and Karen thought it was
overkill. We would battle about this— obviously not smart enough to just frost one half of them! One day I suggested making chocolate brownies and instead of arguing with me,
Karen did not say a word. I thought I would be noble and offered to not put frosting on
them and she was shocked. Then she told me the secret, "I prayed that you wouldn't put frosting on and look how good the Lord was to answer."
Becoming A Woman of Beauty . . .
Do not let your adornment be merely outward – arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel
--rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is
very precious in the sight of God. --1 Peter 3:3-4
Our culture puts a high premium on beauty. Cosmetic (plastic) surgery is becoming increasingly popular among middle class women and even teenagers. Formerly
considered a luxury for well-to-do women, cosmetic surgery is now one of the most popular operations among women of all socio-economic classes.
Most women's magazines are tailored to beauty and use young, attractive models to try to persuade women that they are supposed to look like the cover girls. Pressure to look
"perfect" is squarely placed on women, and it is no wonder that many ladies focus an enormous amount of attention on their appearance.
However, God's concept of beauty is quite different from the world's. While our society focuses on the outer person, God focuses on the inner person (1 Samuel 16:7). It
is a woman's character --her kindness, gentleness, love, patience and godly attitude --that makes her beautiful. There may be outward beauty in some women, but when the
inner person is ungodly and corrupt it affects their outward appearance in a very negative way.
On the other hand, when a woman's inner character exemplifies a loving and gentle
spirit, it radiates to her outward appearance as well.
Now, something we need to understand is that scripture is not saying that you should not pay any attention to your outward appearance. There are many examples in the Bible,
including the Song of Solomon and the story of Isaac's bride, Rebekah (Genesis 24), where women adorn themselves with jewelry and fix their hair. It is not more godly to be
plain, though there are many churches that would lead you to believe that. Wearing makeup, fixing your hair, and wearing nice clothing is not wrong. You should look as
nice as you can, but your focus should not be on these things. If you are spending all of your time, energy, and money on how you look, while your inner life is a mess, you have
your priorities upside-down. It is an issue of the heart.
Realize that your beauty begins with your character and radiates outwardly --not the opposite way around. A godly woman is the most beautiful woman in the world!
Becoming An Encourager
When God created Eve, He gave her the important designation of being a helpmate. I do not believe there is one wife who does not realize that her husband needs a great deal
of help! Wives complement their husbands. You might say they fill in the gaps. And a great part of being a helpmate is being an encourager.
Building up your husband, backing up his decisions, and encouraging him goes a long way in bringing out the godly character that God wants your husband to exemplify. Your
husband needs to know that you believe in him, respect him and are on his team. Far too many wives send the opposite message. They tear down, instead of building up, and they
fight their husbands every step of the way, instead of backing them up.
If you are not happy with your husband's performance, tearing him down and mocking him is not going to improve the situation. The best way to get a new husband (a change
in behavior and attitude) is by being a loving, supportive wife.
Just as the biggest fear for women is rejection and abandonment, for men it is failure. The Lord created you to be a supporter --an encourager of your
husband. Any other behavior or attitude will rip apart your marriage and cause dissension.
Your role as a wife is vital. You are the missing link in a man's life and your influence far outweighs anyone or anything else outside of the Lord Himself. Take an inventory of
your life. Are you influencing your husband in a positive way? Does your attitude and behavior reflect the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit? Can your husband see the light of
Jesus Christ in your life?
CONCLUSION -
Is Jesus Christ the Lord of your marriage? (Back to Table of Contents)
Some of you may be enjoying your marriage just as God intended, while others may be undergoing severe trials and hardships. God wants to bring healing to your relationship.
Nothing is impossible, and no relationship, no matter how many problems exist, is beyond God's redemptive love.
Let me share a letter that I received on the reality of God's healing power in a marriage:
Dear Pastor,
After your message, my husband and I agreed that I should share what God did in our marriage. In 1994, I filed for divorce. Years
of sin and abuse tore our marriage asunder and all that was left was paperwork. In my eyes there was no hope that my husband would
ever change, and it seemed as though God was leading me out.
My husband had broken every vow he ever made to me over the years with his alcohol abuse --literally leaving our marriage in a state of
disrepair. We were bankrupt in every sense of the word. The love was gone, the hope was gone, the dreams were gone – torn asunder by
sin. There has been nothing more painful in my life than to lose the affection and the support of the man I married --the one I trusted with
my life, who promised to be faithful and now was the source of such bitter pain.
But today I can thank God for the pain and for the people He surrounded me with during those years. You see, it was through the pain
of the worst years of my life that God graciously showed Himself to me in such a real way. However, after I accepted Jesus and people began
praying for my husband and my marriage, things went from bad to
worse --culminating in separation and divorce proceedings. It was during this time of separation that my husband was brought to his
knees as a result of much prayer and sorrow. Sobriety and salvation came into his life when he gave his heart to Christ at a church
service some newfound friends had brought him to. I had nothing to do with it!
Although this had been my prayer for so many years, I didn't believe it when he first told me. You see, after years of his lies, his words had
lost all their value and it was only over time that his actions began to convince me. Even though I had filed divorce papers, I continued to pray
for God's will. Though I knew I had biblical grounds for divorce (adultery), I also knew that God hated divorce.
I asked many people to pray that I would be able to forgive my husband (for my sake, not his). And privately, I was asking God to show me very
clearly whether or not I should continue with the divorce. I must admit here, that although I was happy for the change in my husband, I didn't
want to continue in the marriage. I was afraid he would revert to his old ways and I truly felt God knew and maybe He was trying to protect me
and my son from more grief.
Well, after weeks of privately seeking God for guidance, one morning as I prayed the Lord led me to a passage in Philemon which read,
"Perhaps you were separated from him for a while so you could have him back forever, no longer as a slave but as a brother in the Lord." I
don't think God could've made it any clearer if He had dropped in for coffee and a chat that morning. I knew God was saying, take him back
and don't worry, it's forever. He's no longer a slave to the sin that hurt you so bad. He's your brother in the Lord.
Let me tell you, that was not what I wanted to hear. However, I knew that was God's will. Immediately I called a strong Christian friend and
told her the whole story and we began praying for reconciliation. It took many months, but eventually my husband came back bringing much joy
to our little family. It has been four years since then and if anybody had told me then what my life would be like today, I could not have imagined
it! We still struggle with the problems of life, but we have God at the center of our home and that makes all the difference.
My husband is a godly man and I love him more than ever and his son has a good example to look to in him. I truly believe that God would have
allowed me to divorce my husband but because of prayer and obedience to His very special and difficult direction in my life, He has blessed me
tremendously. He has renewed the love and restored the hope so that we can dare to dream once again.
I would not have wanted to miss that. So I just wanted to encourage anyone who's struggling in what feels like a hopeless situation, not to
give up on God no matter what the circumstances.
Maybe you are in a difficult situation right now and are ready to file those divorce papers. Take the advice of this godly woman who, through much pain and suffering,
chose to obey God and now has a restored marriage filled with joy, love and peace. She is not a special case. As Christians, we are called to obey God --even when it means
suffering and sorrow. Ultimately, God works everything out for good in the life of the believer (Romans 8:28).
Put God in the center of your life and in the center of your marriage. Submit your relationship to Him and persevere. The Lord will do as Isaiah 61:3 promises:
To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called
trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
